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Billy Connolly's life lessons

Sage advice from the Big Yin:

• Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
• Have lots of long lie-ins.
• Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f*cking great.
• Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
• Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
• If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
• Boo joggers.
• Don't work out, work in.
• Play the banjo.
• Sleep with somebody you like.
• Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.
• Try to live in a place you like.
• Marry somebody you like.
• Try to do a job you like.
• Never turn down an opportunity to shout "F*ck them all!" at the top of your voice.
• Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
• Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old.....look forward to it.
• Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
• Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.
• Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
• Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.
• If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
• Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
• If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "f*cks" in it.
• Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
• Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.
• Salute nobody.
• Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
• Campaign against blue Smarties.
• Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: It's good to be alive."

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