[ back to funny shit index]
(note the full stop)
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
xpects--
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am
just as the truck pulls away.................................. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................ +1
You leave dishes in the sink..................................... -1
You leave them under the bed..................................... -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings.................................................... +5
But return with beer............................................. -5
You leave the toilet seat up..................................... -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................ 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to
the next bathroom............................................. -2
You make the bed................................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night........................ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................ 0
check out a suspicious noise and it's something.............. +5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................... +10
It's her father.................................................. -10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party............................ 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy........................................ -2
Named Tiffany.................................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer.............................................. -6
Tiffany has implants............................................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump........................................ -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you"......................................... +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy
in bed"....................................................... -6
That woman is her sister......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it................................ 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted... -18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet................................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit............................. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent..................................... +8
remove the collie from the thresher.............................. +12
You take her mother to see Cats.................................. +16
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together...................................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car.................................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar............................................... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.. +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............ +3
Most of it chips and beer........................................ -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
Or refinishing the floors........................................ +16
Or rewiring the basement......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..... -6
And you're tickled pink about it................................. -15
You visit her parents............................................ +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation............. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....... -3
And the television is off........................................ -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear..................................................... -6
And you didn't even go to college................................ -10
And it's not your underwear...................................... -15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner........................................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team...................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing....................................................... +4
And you stink..................................................... +2
And you're not half bad........................................... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
to much applause............................................... -2
You give her a gift............................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal................................................. -5
And the pal is happily married.................................... -4
Or frighteningly single........................................... -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers.............................................. -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends..................................................... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
late.......................................................... +10
You wait up...................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom....................... +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together............................................. 0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie........................................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)... +6
You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs...................................................... -15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5
Grooming
--------
You trim your nails............................................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8
But then, neither does she........................................ +8
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal.................................................. -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt................. -60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25
(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble
something like, "I Love You, honey...")
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression............................ 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10